The Happiest Day of My Life

When I was in High School, and I had a rough day, I would always tell myself that soon I'd be out of there and wouldn't have to hang out with a bunch of people I didn't like. Then I got to University, and was always broke and struggling to pass my classes (which were pretty damn hard by anyone's standards) and I'd tell myself that soon I'd be a University grad and I could have a job and be done with all this difficulty.
Then when I graduated University, I got a job I didn't like very much, still struggled with money and didn't like the work, the people OR the pay. So I left and proceeded to bounce around to various jobs, some of which I liked but didn't pay, and some of which I disliked - and still didn't pay.

The entire time of course I was trying to succeed as a musician. More precisely, I was trying to make a popular rock band. It's a difficult trick to pull off - particularly if you don't know this one immutable fact about life (which I didn't): Being good at something, even if you're demonstrably better than almost everyone around you, means absolutely nothing if you haven't got luck on your side. I never realized this consciously until years later when I read Malcolm Gladwell's excellent book Outliers. Without paraphrasing the entire thing, I'll say that it showed me that even the most successful people (musicians among them) got where they did not because they were good, but because they were lucky. That's not to say they WEREN'T good. Just that without luck, talent doesn't matter.

Just this month I've turned 35, been laid off from a job I've had for little more than 2 years, bought a house, have a baby on the way and today realized that I'm gonna have to buy a car that I can't afford and will almost certainly hate because the one I have is a money pit. So I'm once again financially under the gun, but with one important difference. Unlike when I was young and ambitious, I now have no reason to believe that my life will ever be financially comfortable. Based on my history, I will never be what psychologists call "self actualized". In short, I'll never have peace of mind about myself and what I've achieved in my life. This comes from having lots of potential and talent but having almost nothing to show for it.

But I digress...

I started thinking, "Have I EVER had peace of mind in my whole life?". I wondered, have I ever felt like I had lived up to my ambitions and achieved the goals I had set for myself when I started playing music? Yes. I had. I felt fully vindicated and at peace for one day. And I remember the exact date.

It was March 29th, 2008. It was a Sunday.

The Ryde was the band I was in at the time, and after nearly 3 years of practicing, playing small clubs and having near misses with labels and agents, we had finally played what I thought would be the gig of our lives. We opened for a (now forgotten) band called Rides Again (the names are ironic, I know) and just blew them out of the water. In fact, we decimated the entire place. No one wanted to follow us on stage. And what's more, a rep from arguably Canada's biggest talent agency was there and couldn't stop telling us how great we were. To boot, I found out the rep was himself a good friend of a guy I knew in University. It looked like the table was set for us to actually make a go of a real career in music. The following day was a feeling like I had never experienced.

Every one of the thousands of hours I had spent practicing the guitar, finding the right band, working the business side of indie rock (which I HATED doing) felt like it was worth it. It felt like I had spent my life in pursuit of something real and possible and that now it was all going to unfold like I wanted it to. I spent the day with my girlfriend (who is now my wife), we had a nice long walk in the morning, a great breakfast, a whole excellent conversation about the night before. It was a totally great day. I was truly at peace.

Clearly, I don't have to tell you that it didn't work out like it was "supposed to". That was the band's peak and everything we did after that seemed to be marred by bad luck, poor decisions and bitterness. Despite repeated attempts to reach him, the rep wouldn't take our calls and when we ran into him a few weeks later, barely remembered who we were. And to make a long story short, I'm now a laid-off electrician.

Not that there aren't up-sides.

I have a wife I love and who undoubtedly loves me (I mean, shit, she must because my life since I've known her has been just a freakin roller-coaster, and not in a good way). I live in a city I like, in a really great house with my wife's sister and her husband (my best friends). I'm healthy (as far as I know) and as I write this, so is my unborn son.

But I tell you, the low days are pretty hard to deal with.

Classic Albums Documentaries on Youtube

I've had a couple of days off work so I've goofed around a bit with my recording software, just trying to learn the ins and outs of Cubase. And in between actually getting stuff done, I've been watching episodes of Classic Albums on Youtube. I watched the one for The Who's Who's Next album, as well as Rush's 2112 and Pink Floyd's Dark Side Of The Moon. I don't know why I like them so much but they're all really interesting to me. Having the musicians explain or dissect their process really gives you a peek into their genius, and ironically, it makes them look like just regular dudes who happen to written some great songs.

The thought that keeps occuring to me tho is this: None of these guys made these records while having to hold a day job. In fact, these classic moments in music came after YEARS of practice, performance and preparation. So many resources of time and money went to these guys so they could practice their craft without being encumbered by the worries that the rest of us have to deal with on a daily basis.

And really, I think that's why it's been so hard for me to get going on my own recordings. It must be easy to focus and concentrate when you know that there are thousands of people waiting to hear what you're going to come up with, and when you know your music is at least going to have a shot at being exposed to a pretty large group of sympathetic listeners.

It's quite another thing to write music, and to really put your heart and soul into it, to try and dig out all the emotion that you can when you know whatever you come up with is going to be pretty much ignored by everyone outside your family and close friends. THAT is a tough deal. I mean, I'm even writing this blog right now just to get some thoughts out of my head and "on paper" so to speak. But I'd be foolish to think that any more than 3 people will actually read this.

It's a pretty sad place to be in, really. When you THINK you have so much you want to give to the world, but it will never get past your own circle of friends.