People, it's time to expect more from our rock stars (or reasons why Porn Star Dancing is a lame-ass song).

Porn Star Dancing is, according to DJ's here in Peterborough, a "hit". Putting aside the fact that there really is no such thing as a "hit song" anymore (travel forward in time and read some of my future blogs on corporate payola in radio..), this tune has lots of facets in it's lame-a-tude, but one stands out among the rest.

1. The dude can't actually sing like that.

Auto-tune is a wonderful thing, especially if you're a rock singer who has no discernible talent. (huh huh huh, "nible"). For those of you not in the know on this miracle of modern technology - it's basically a computer program that can take a dying cat and turn it into Pavarotti. Not by force-feeding it pasta, but rather by altering the intonation of every screeching note to match the "correct" scale. Call it "singer in a can". Autotune is ALL OVER this song. How do I know? I played clubs along side these guys before they recorded this joke of a tune. The dude can't sing like that.
Is this what makes the song lame? No. Everyone and his brother is using autotune software. It's so pervasive that the listening public now expects it to be on the vocals, whether the singer is good or not. You gotta give the people what they want, I guess.


2. Zakk Wylde (formerly of Ozzy's band) is the lead guitarist - not the actual guy from MDD.

And actually I feel a little sorry for this fella. I can't remember his name, and luckily that's gonna pose no problem for me because in a couple of years, no one else will either, but I digress. The few fans who listen to this song and remark how cool the lead guitar is will be disappointed when they hear these guys play live, because once again, I have seen this guy in his former band (3 Star Seed). He doesn't have the chops to play the song as recorded. Zakk Wylde is arguably the last real guitar hero, and the guy from MDD is a pale comparison to 9 year olds with youtube videos of themselves playing "Erruption", not to mention any guitarist with actual talent and style.
Is this what makes this song lame? No. If you want killer guitar, you get a killer guitarist. And thanks to low-talent hip hop dudes, the trend of "featuring" another band/artist/rapper/Timbaland is alive and well. Sad but true.

And the winner is....

3. Most of this song is rock stars complaining how they have to pay for girls to take off their clothes.

In the song Panama, David Lee Roth sang "Don't you know she's coming home with me"? Vince Neil crooned (to a stripper) in Girls Girls Girls,  "Tell me a story, you know the one I mean." Joe Elliot of Def Leppard sang "Love is like a bomb baby, come and get it on!" These are declarative, positive statements of confidence. These were men who went in search of pussy and FOUND IT!! They gave hope to all of us down here on the bottom rung workin our asses off to get laid. Hope that once in a while, dreams do come true. You DO occasionally run into a stripper with a female room-mate who's boyfriend is out of town and .. you get the picture. Dave, Vince, Joe and countless other REAL rock stars showed us what was possible! They blazed a trail to poon-tang! We regular babe hounds stood on the shoulders of GIANTS!! 

The My Darkest Days guy, by contrast, spends the whole song complaining about how he can't get girls to co-operate with his poorly described, half assed fantasies. What kind of call to arms is THAT?? I know DOZENS of guys who can't get laid. I can hear about that every day of my life fer pete's sake. The guys in MDD are young, in a rock band, about to be really rich, and they can't talk a girl out of her underwear? THIS is what passes for a party anthem!?

And it's why Porn Star Dancing is a lame-ass tune. Rock stars should live in a fantasy world where there are no brakes to the constant flow of beer, girls and beer and girls. They should not go on record complaining that the girls they meet won't "play ball" as he so eloquently puts it.

We need to start expecting more of our rock stars,  people!!!

Justin Beiber and The World Series

First off, I don't know if I'm spelling his name right, and I don't care.

What I do care about (a little anyway) is the fact that adults (and kids who are turning into adults soon) have accepted Justin Bieber as something that's worth listening to. What the hell? He's in a montage at the start of a World Series baseball game! Does anyone at Fox understand who watches baseball?? Do they think there's an 8 year old girl audience for baseball they haven't been focusing on enough?

Is Hannah Montana going to be the feature act at the next UFC event? 

The creators of Kids Incorporated were 20 years ahead of their time. Because now, children's entertainment is all the rage - for middle aged sports fans apparently.